Clawfield Cup rolls around
The Clawfield Cup has rolled around, and in just over a week the top racing yabbies from the region will converge on the Laggan Pub to find out whose claws are the fastest in the land.
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Following are the biographies for all of the yabbies scheduled to compete:
Pool 1
Diego Maradona
Stopped a crucial goal with his hand and went on to win the 1986 world cup. This yabby just might have the claw of god.
Lance Armstrong
The golden boy of cycling fell from grace after being found guilty of doping all along. Is it really cheating if everyone else is doing it?
Rosie Ruiz
Caught the train in the 1980 Boston Marathon. Who's to say there isn't a subway under the yabby-drome?
Shane Warne
No stranger to scandal, Warnie took a moduretic tablet from his mother which aids in recovery. Was it a simple mistake with a very minor benefit or was it just a case of 'rules are rules'. We have kept this yabby from his mum just to be on the safe side.
Boris Onishenko
He rigged his fencing sword to score a point even when it didn't make contact with the opponent. Can this yab make the edge of the yabby-drome to move before it is touched?
Marion Jones
Jones won three gold and two bronze medals at the Sydney Olympics...for a few sweet hours until she tested positive to steroids. This yabby has served its ban and says it is 'clean' now.
Sylvester Carmouche
This yabby will be looking for a heavy fog to gain an edge in its race. Sly used the fog in a horse race in 1990 to have a spell for a lap and re-join the race in first place.
Russia
Wildcard
Pool 2
Ben Johnson
Used steroids to win the gold in the '88 Olympics. The Clawfield Cup runs stringent tests on all competitors.
Tonya Harding
If any of this yabby's opponents looks like it has a limp, Tonya is probably behind it. Her ex took out one of her figure skating opponents in the lead-up to the '94 winter games. Other career highlights include competing in season 26 of Dancing with the Stars.
Park Si-Hun
How do you take a pummelling, spend half a fight on the canvas and still win an Olympic boxing gold: bribery. He might not have made the bribes himself but Park does know that something fishy occurred for him to have won at his home nation's Olympics. The Clawfield Cup committee has been known to 'receive gifts' so this guy might have an edge.
Maria Sharapova
If this yabby's backhand is as powerful as its namesake, it might be able to get the edge on its opponents. However, if it uses meldonium like the former tennis world No.1, then it will be stripped of all of its victories.
Fred Lorz
Never heard of this guy? That may be because his illegal attempt to gain an advantage occurred over 100 years ago. He shaved a few miles off the 1904 Olympic marathon by jumping in a car. It will be hard for this yabby to pull that one off.
Steve Smith
Steve and his boys broke the hearts of Australian cricket fans when he was found guilty of ball tampering. There are no rules against yabbies roughing up their feet for traction so this guy might be in with a chance.
Spanish Paralympics Basketballer
Ten out of the twelve members of the basketball team deliberately failed an IQ test to qualify for the 2000 Paralympics. The Clawfield Cup does not have a 'para' version so this guy might not have much of an edge.
East Germany
Wildcard